Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
