btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
