i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
