More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
