the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
