So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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