It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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