Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
