Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
whose ass print is on the piano?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
