running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
