Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
