im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
