Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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