She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
