apparently the secret to your success is patron
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
