It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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