Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
