i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
