I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
