One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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