well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize