My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
