I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize