I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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