lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
