WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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