i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
