normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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