he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
