mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
