Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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