I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
