best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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