I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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