Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
