i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
