I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
