I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
