Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Houston, we have a squirter
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Watching her eat just hurts me
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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