Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
