Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize