so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
