I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There r osticjed everywhere
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
