I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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