I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
