She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
