Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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