i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
