I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
