fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Come see our sink grown plant.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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