the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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