Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
