I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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