I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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