I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
