You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
