I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
