Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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