Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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