Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
