nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Houston, we have a blender
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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