i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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