I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
